Grief has a schedule that nobody else keeps. The casseroles stop after two weeks. The cards stop after a month. The group runs for thirteen weeks and then it ends. And then the first birthday without them arrives on a Tuesday in March, and the phone does not ring.
This is for the people who lead grief groups and the people who sit in them, about how to keep praying for someone on the dates that hurt, long after the calendar has moved on.
The dates that hurt
Every loss comes with a set of dates. The birthday. The anniversary. The date of the diagnosis. The date it happened. The first holiday, then the second, which is often worse. A person in a grief group can name all of them. Almost nobody around them can.
The most useful thing a group can do is write those dates down, together, and agree to pray on them. Not in a general way. By name, on the day.
A band, and what is inside it
A prayer band is a wristband with a verse on it and a chip inside. When the person taps it with their phone, a page opens: the verse, a note, and the prayers of the people who have prayed over it.
For someone grieving, three things about that matter:
- The note. A group leader or a friend can write the note the band opens to. "We know the twelfth is coming. We are praying for you on it." Written once, read on the day.
- The prayers. Every time someone in the group taps Pray on the band's page, the count goes up and their prayer sits there. On the anniversary, the person can open it and see that eleven people prayed that week. That is different from a text.
- The name. A band can carry the name of the person who was lost, on the outside, if that is wanted. Some people want to wear it. Some want it in a drawer to hold. Both are fine, and the band does not care which.
For group leaders: a circle for the dates
A prayer circle is a private group with a leader and a shared prayer wall. For a grief group, use it for the dates.
- Collect the dates in week two. Ask each member for the two or three dates that matter most, and the name. Keep the list.
- Post a topic on each date. "Today is the anniversary of Mark's passing. Pray for Ellen." Members get a notification, tap Pray, and can write a line under it.
- Keep the circle open after the group ends. The thirteen weeks are the start. The circle costs nothing to keep, and the leader posts a topic on each date for the year that follows. That is the ministry the group never had time for.
- Mark it, and reopen it next year. When the day passes, the leader marks the topic answered. The dates come back around, and so does the circle.
Members can also write their own prayers under a topic. Some will. Many will only tap Pray, and that is enough.
For the friend who is not a leader
If you are walking with one person through a loss, you do not need a group. Give them a band with the verse that fits, and put a note inside it. Then put their dates in your own calendar and tap Pray on their band on each one. They will see it. You do not have to say anything.
Things to avoid
- Do not make the band about the loss on the outside unless they ask. A verse is safe. A name is theirs to choose.
- Do not post the dates publicly. The circle is private. Keep it that way.
- Do not stop after the first year. The second anniversary is often harder. Keep the dates.
Privacy
The band has no battery and no location, and it never knows who is wearing it. The circle is private to its members. A prayer on the public wall can be anonymous. A person's own journal is theirs alone. See the privacy policy for the full version.
Getting bands for a group
Bands are in the store, with a Bulk Order tab for sizes across a group. A Custom Band can carry a verse, or a name, engraved on the outside; allow four to six weeks for it. You can add a name and a note to any band at checkout, and the note is what the band opens to. For a hospice or church running several groups, contact us and we will help set up a circle for each one.
If your group is a recovery ministry rather than a grief group, A Band for the Long Middle is written for you.